The worry usually comes in one of two flavors: your standards are too high and that’s why you’re single, or they’re too low and that’s why you keep ending up hurt. Here’s the twist. Most people’s standards are fine. What fails is the follow-through — the list that disappears the minute someone funny and attentive shows up. The quiz above looks at that gap. Below, what good standards actually look like, and how to keep them.
In this guide
Are my standards too high?
Probably not in the way you fear. Standards are usually too high only when they’re about the wrong things: height, salary, a specific job, a certain look, a certain type of humor. Those are preferences. Nothing wrong with preferences, but when they’re treated like requirements, they filter out a lot of good people for reasons that won’t matter in five years.
Standards about character almost never count as too high. Wanting someone who is kind, who keeps plans, who’s clear about what they want, who doesn’t make you feel stupid in an argument — that’s not picky. That’s the minimum for a decent relationship, and plenty of people date for years without getting it because they keep making exceptions.
Real standards
- Keeps their word, including small plans
- Treats strangers and servers well
- Says clearly what they want
- Can disagree without contempt
- Wants a similar kind of life
Preferences dressed as standards
- Over six foot
- Earns more than I do
- Never been divorced
- Into the same music
- Instant fireworks on date one
If you’re single and frustrated, check the right column first. Loosening a preference is cheap. Loosening anything on the left is how people get hurt.
One more test for whether a standard is too high: would you meet it yourself, on a normal week? Asking for kindness, honesty and follow-through is fair because you offer them. Asking for someone who is always fun, always available and never moody is asking for a person who doesn’t exist — you included.
Signs your dating standards are too low
These usually aren’t obvious from the inside. They feel like being easygoing, or understanding, or giving people a chance. And they tend to creep in after a long dry spell, when any interest feels like good news.
- You get excited about the bare minimum.He texted back the same day. She remembered your dog’s name. Nice — and also just ordinary decency.
- You adjust what you want to match what they offer.You wanted a relationship; now you say you’re fine with “seeing where it goes” because that’s what they want.
- You know the deal-breaker and stay anyway.You saw it on date two. It’s now month eight. The thing hasn’t changed; your tolerance has.
- Your friends have stopped commenting.They’ve said it before. They’re tired of saying it. Their silence is information too.
How to set dating standards you’ll actually keep
Start from your history, not from an ideal. Think about the last two or three people you dated. When did you feel most respected? When did you feel most dismissed? The answers will be specific: he always confirmed plans, she went silent for three days after every disagreement. Your real standards are hiding in those moments.
Then sort what you find into two piles: what you need, and what you’d like. Needs are the things that, when missing, made you feel small, anxious or alone. Likes are the things that would be lovely but you’ve been happy without. Keep the needs. Hold the likes loosely.
Then pick two or three non-negotiables, not twenty. A short list is one you’ll remember on a date when the wine is good and the conversation is flowing. A long list becomes something you abandon all at once.
Decide in advance what you’ll do when one is crossed. Not a dramatic exit — just a line you’ll say. “I really like spending time with you, and I need someone who’s clear about wanting something serious. Is that you?” Having the sentence ready is what makes it possible to say.
Dating standards after divorce or a long relationship
If you’re dating again after twenty years, your standards may be both higher and blurrier than you expect. Higher, because you know exactly what didn’t work. Blurrier, because you haven’t had to say what you want out loud in a long time, and the rules of dating have changed around you.
Two common traps here. The first is overcorrecting: choosing someone who is the opposite of your ex in every visible way and missing the ways they’re the same. The second is gratitude dating — being so relieved someone is interested that you overlook things you never would have tolerated at 30.
There’s also the question of what you can now offer and ask for that you couldn’t before. Maybe you have your own house, grown kids, a pension, a full calendar. It’s completely reasonable for your standards to include how someone fits into a life that is already built — whether they respect your time with your kids, your friendships, your money. That isn’t being difficult. It’s knowing what you’ve made.
It helps to talk through a date afterward with someone you trust. Not for approval, just to hear yourself describe it. You’ll often notice the thing you skimmed over the moment you say it out loud.
Sometimes it helps to say the messy, unfiltered version out loud to someone who won’t judge it. That’s Iris — text her like you’d text a close friend, and she’ll help you untangle it. She remembers the thread, so next time you can pick up right where you left off.
Frequently asked questions
What are good dating standards to have?
The most useful ones are about behavior, not specs: they keep their word, they’re kind to people who can’t do anything for them, they’re clear about what they want, they can disagree without being cruel, and they want a similar kind of life. Two or three of these, held consistently, protect you more than a long list.
Are my standards too high if I’m still single?
Not necessarily. Standards about character rarely keep people single for long. Rigid preferences — height, income, a type — are more likely to narrow the field. If you’re frustrated, look at which items on your list are about how someone treats you, and which are about how they look on paper.
How do I stop lowering my standards when I like someone?
Write two non-negotiables down before you start dating, and decide what you’ll say if one is crossed. Chemistry makes everything feel negotiable in the moment; a decision made in advance gives you something to hold onto. It also helps to tell a friend, so someone else remembers too.
What is the difference between standards and expectations?
Standards are what you need to stay; expectations are what you assume will happen. A standard is “I need someone who communicates when plans change.” An expectation is “he should know I want flowers.” Standards are worth stating out loud. Unspoken expectations tend to turn into disappointment.