Maybe you moved for a job and know nobody but your landlord. Maybe the divorce took the couple friends with it, the kids left for college, or your office became your kitchen table. Whatever the reason, you’ve noticed that weekends are quiet in a way they didn’t used to be, and you’re wondering how grown-ups make friends without a classroom or a dorm hall. The short answer: on purpose, slowly, and with more repetition than anyone tells you.
In this guide
How to make friends as an adult: 9 steps that actually work
Adult friendship rarely happens by accident anymore, so these steps are about building the conditions that used to come for free.
- Pick one thing that repeatsChoose a weekly class, club, team or volunteer shift over one-off events. Seeing the same people again is the single biggest ingredient.
- Commit to five visitsThe first visit is always awkward. Decide in advance that you’ll go five times before judging whether it’s “your” place.
- Arrive early, stay lateThe friendly minutes before and after are where conversations start. The main event is mostly the excuse.
- Learn names and use themSay their name back when you meet, and again next time. It signals interest more than any clever opener.
- Make the specific inviteTurn “we should hang out” into a day and a place: “Coffee after class next Tuesday?” Specific invites get yeses.
- Follow up within a weekMention something they told you: “How did the interview go?” Following up is how an acquaintance turns into a friend.
- Share a little more each timeCloseness grows from small, mutual openness. Offer one real thing, and notice whether they offer one back.
- Say yes when you’re tiredNot always, but more often than feels natural. A short yes beats a perfect someday.
- Reconnect with someone you drifted fromOld friends are an underrated shortcut. One message to a former colleague or neighbor can restart something with history already in it.
Making friends as an adult, by the numbers
The hours figure comes from communication researcher Jeffrey Hall, who studied adults who had recently moved and were looking for new friends. It explains a lot of frustration: two lovely dinners might add up to six hours, nowhere near what friendship usually takes. If it feels slow, that’s because it is slow, for everyone.
The workplace number matters if you’ve gone remote, retired or left a job. Work used to supply the repeated, low-stakes contact that friendships grow from. When it disappears, you need to replace it on purpose. And it’s worth the effort: in a 2023 Pew Research Center survey, 61% of U.S. adults said having close friends is extremely or very important for living a fulfilling life.
If you’re in the smallest bar, you’re in real company, not on your own. And notice where most people sit: a small circle of one to four. You don’t need a crowd. Most adults are building toward a handful of people who know them well, which is exactly what the steps above are for.
How to make friends in a new city
Moving resets your social life to zero, and it’s easy to wait for things to settle before you start. Start in the first month instead, while being new is still a good conversation opener.
- Say “I’m new here” out loud.It invites help and recommendations, and people love being the local expert. “I just moved. Where do you get coffee around here?” works almost everywhere.
- Join something before you feel settled.A running club, a choir or a volunteer group gives you a weekly anchor while the boxes are still unpacked.
- Use your existing network.Ask friends back home, “Do you know anyone in Denver?” A warm introduction skips the hardest part.
- Become a regular somewhere.Same café, same gym time, same farmers market stall. Being recognized is the first rung of belonging.
Making friends after divorce, an empty nest or going remote
Some friendships end not because anyone did anything wrong, but because the routine holding them together disappeared. Each big transition tends to have its own gap.
- After divorce.Couple friendships often split along awkward lines. Look for people who are also rebuilding, through divorce support meetups, solo-travel groups or classes you’d never have taken as a pair.
- Empty nest.The school gate and the sports sidelines did a lot of your socializing for you. Replace them with something equally regular: a weekly volunteer shift, a walking group or a class that runs all term.
- Remote work.You lost the office kitchen. Book one standing thing a week that gets you out of the house at the same time, such as a coworking day, a lunchtime class or a regular call with a colleague you liked.
- Caregiving or a new baby.Time is the scarce thing, so make friendship portable: walks with a stroller, a parent you see at the same appointment, a friend who’ll keep you company on the drive.
If the change also brought grief or a loneliness that’s hard to shake, it can help to name that feeling first, before you start filling the calendar.
What to say: turning an acquaintance into a friend
Most adults don’t lack openers. They lack the second and third move. These lines carry you past small talk.
- To keep it going“You mentioned your daughter’s recital. How did it go?”
- To suggest a first plan“I’ve really liked chatting after class. Want to grab a coffee Saturday morning?”
- To make it a habit“This was fun. Same time next month? I’ll put it in my calendar.”
- To be honest about it“I’m trying to make more friends here, and I’d like to see more of you.”
That last one feels risky, but it rarely lands badly. Most people are quietly relieved someone said it first.
Sometimes it helps to say the messy, unfiltered version out loud to someone who won’t judge it. That’s Iris — text her like you’d text a close friend, and she’ll help you untangle it. She remembers the thread, so next time you can pick up right where you left off.
Frequently asked questions
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Because the structure that made it easy is gone. School and early jobs gave you the same people, every day, with time to spare. Adult life swaps that for busy schedules, scattered routines and the assumption that everyone already has their people. Most of them don’t. Rebuilding repetition, through one regular activity, is the most reliable fix.
How long does it take to make a friend as an adult?
Research by Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas estimated about 50 hours together to become casual friends, around 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends. That’s months of regular contact, not a few dinners, so don’t judge a new friendship too early.
Where do adults meet new friends?
Work is the most common place: 54% of Americans with close friends met one at their own or a spouse’s workplace, according to a 2021 Survey Center on American Life report. Beyond work, look for anything that repeats: classes, volunteering, faith or community groups, sports leagues, dog parks and friends of friends.
How do I make friends at 40 or 50?
The same way you would at 25, just with more intention and better taste. Pick groups that match your stage of life, be the one who suggests a specific plan, and give it time. Many people find friendships in midlife deeper, because people are more honest about what they want.
How do I make friends as an introvert?
Choose small, structured settings over big parties: a class, a book club, a volunteer shift. One-on-one plans with a clear end time are easier than open-ended evenings. You don’t need many friends. Two or three people you see regularly can change how a month feels.
Is it weird to ask someone to be friends as an adult?
Not at all, though you rarely need to ask in those words. Suggesting a specific plan does the same job. If you want to be direct, something like “I’d love to get to know you better” is warm and easy to say yes to.
Sources
- University of Kansas (2018), Study reveals number of hours it takes to make a friend
- Survey Center on American Life (2021), The State of American Friendship: Change, Challenges, and Loss
- Pew Research Center (2023), What does friendship look like in America?