Is my marriage sexless? Many experts use a simple line: sex fewer than ten times a year. But the number matters less than how you both feel. If sex and touch have mostly stopped, nobody talks about it, and one or both of you feel hurt or lonely, it’s worth paying attention. If you have sex rarely but you’re both content and close, that can be fine too. This sexless marriage quiz is private, and it’s a place to start, not a verdict.
The short version
- The common rule of thumb is fewer than ten times a year, but your feelings count more than any number.
- Stress, kids, health, menopause and old hurt are the most common reasons it fades.
- Pain or changes in desire are worth a doctor’s visit. Many causes can be treated.
- Start with warmth and a calm talk, not blame. A couples or sex therapist can help.
In this guide
What counts as a sexless marriage?
There’s no medical rule. Nicole McNichols, who teaches human sexuality at the University of Washington, writes that the most common line is sex fewer than ten times a year. Some experts prefer the softer term “low-sex marriage.”
So if this is you, you’re far from alone. And a number can’t tell you if there’s a problem. Some couples are happy with very little sex. For others, even once a month feels like a loss. The question that matters most is this: does it bother one or both of you?
Here is one helpful clue from research. Psychologist Amy Muise and her team looked at surveys of about 30,000 Americans. Among people in relationships, happiness went up with sex up to about once a week. Above that, more sex didn’t add more happiness. In other words, closeness matters, but there’s no need to chase a high score.
Why do marriages become sexless?
Almost no couple decides to stop. It fades, a little at a time. These are the most common reasons, and often two or three mix together.
- Stress and exhaustionWork, bills, aging parents, a long to-do list. The UK’s NHS lists stress, anxiety and depression among the common causes of low sex drive. When you’re running on empty, desire is often the first thing to go.
- Kids and the busy yearsBabies, school runs, teens who stay up later than you. The NHS notes that looking after a baby can be stressful and tiring. Many couples never fully get their time back after that.
- Menopause and hormonesThe NHS lists lower desire and vaginal dryness among menopause changes, and says the dryness can make sex painful. It also says menopause changes in general usually last 7 to 9 years, sometimes longer. Pain is a very good reason to avoid sex, and it can be treated.
- Health and medicinesThe NHS names blood pressure medicines, antidepressants and too much alcohol as possible causes of low desire. Health changes on his side, such as erection trouble, can also lead couples to quietly stop trying.
- ResentmentOld fights that never got settled, an unfair split of chores, feeling unseen. Hurt like that tends to show up in the bedroom first. It’s hard to want someone you’re still angry at.
If you see yourself in a few of these, that’s actually hopeful. Each one has a starting point, and none of them mean the love has run out.
How do I talk to my husband about our sexless marriage?
This is the conversation most couples avoid for years. It helps to plan it a little.
- Pick a calm timeNot in bed, not after a fight, not when one of you is about to leave. A walk or a quiet coffee works well, because you don’t have to stare at each other.
- Start with what you miss“I miss being close to you” lands far better than “we never have sex anymore.” Talk about feeling close, not about how often.
- Be honest about your sideIf you’re the one who’s pulled away, say so kindly. “I’ve been so tired, and sex has been painful since menopause. It’s not about you.” If you’re the one wanting more, say you feel lonely, not rejected on purpose.
- Ask, then listen“What’s it been like for you?” Then let him answer without jumping in to defend yourself. You may hear something you didn’t expect.
- Agree on one small stepMaybe it’s more hugs and no pressure. Maybe it’s a doctor’s visit, or a night out each week. Small and doable beats big and vague.
If it goes badly the first time, that’s normal. Many couples need a few tries. Some people like to practice the words first. Iris is happy to help you find yours, at any hour, without blushing.
Can a sexless marriage be fixed?
Often, yes, especially when both of you still care about each other. Start by bringing back touch without pressure: hugs, holding hands, sitting close on the couch. When touch isn’t always a lead-up to sex, it feels safe again.
See a doctor if pain, dryness, desire, erections or medicines are part of the picture. The NHS suggests seeing a doctor if you’re worried about low desire, or if you think a medicine is affecting it. Menopause care has come a long way, and simple fixes can make a big difference.
Consider a couples therapist or a certified sex therapist. They talk about this every day, so nothing you say will shock them. In the U.S., the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT) has a directory to help you find one near you.
And if your partner won’t talk about it at all, you can still go alone. It can help you sort out what you want and what your next step might be.
Sometimes it helps to say the messy, unfiltered version out loud to someone who won’t judge it. That’s Iris — text her like you’d text a close friend, and she’ll help you untangle it. She remembers the thread, so next time you can pick up right where you left off.
Frequently asked questions
Is a sexless marriage normal?
It’s more common than people think. Depending on the study, around 10 to 20 percent of married couples in the U.S. report sex fewer than ten times a year. Common isn’t the same as fine, though. If it bothers either of you, it’s worth talking about.
How long can a marriage last without sex?
Some marriages last for decades with little or no sex, especially when both partners are content. Trouble usually starts when one person feels rejected or lonely and nobody talks about it. The silence often does more harm than the lack of sex itself.
Is a sexless marriage a reason to divorce?
For some people it becomes one, especially when one partner wants sex and the other won’t talk about it. But many couples bring intimacy back with honest talks, medical help and a good therapist. It’s worth trying those steps before deciding anything big.
Can menopause cause a sexless marriage?
It can play a big part. Lower desire and vaginal dryness are common during menopause, and dryness can make sex painful. Talk to your doctor. There are treatments that help, and you don’t have to just put up with it.
What if my husband is the one who doesn’t want sex?
That’s more common than most women realize. Stress, low mood, health, medicines and erection worries can all play a role. Try a gentle, no-blame talk, and suggest he see his doctor. Many men stay silent because they feel embarrassed.
Sources
- Psychology Today (McNichols, 2025, updated 2026), What It Really Means to Be in a Sexless Marriage
- EurekAlert / Society for Personality and Social Psychology (2015), Muise et al., sexual frequency and well-being
- NHS, Loss of libido
- NHS, Menopause: signs and changes
- AASECT, Referral directory